I'm Killin' Myself These Days

I didn’t think it would happen to me, but it has. I am afflicted with the legendary ENS. The Empty Nest Syndrome was supposed to be easier for me, or so I thought--for some very odd reason that I can not yet discern. How do I know I’m experiencing it? I had a dream the other night. In the dream, I was wailing and weeping because the engine from my little car was stolen. In the dream, my partner who I call Jake for this blog, was trying hard to open the hood of my car because it wouldn’t start.

The hood of the car was stuck and the truth of the matter is, the car wasn’t exactly the little red fireplug I zip around in but something a bit older. It looked more like a picture of a 1971 Nova I saw today. Anyway, the engine was gone. No engine:::no driving:::no going anywhere::: But I’m going to keep this entry short today because I have another paper to write for school, one of many somewhat boring estimations of my collective thought. But before I go I’ll say my daughter just called me and I kept her on the phone for too long, feeling that old feeling but different and realizing I’m not to her either what I once was.

There’s a change going on, yet I felt enlivened after I kept her on the phone too long and was motivated (for the first time in two days) to put the crusty and stinky dishes in the dishwasher and get dressed (without a shower but with vanilla body spray) and get to writing this last boring paper for a public policy course that I fear is not going to make a bit of difference in the changing life of mine. I felt guilty for getting that boost of old-days energy from our talk; I know I was of no assistance to her except to ring up her phone bill. (What was that energy and how/where do I find it now that mothering is no longer my purpose in life?)

So many questions, so few answers these days… If only there came a time that we just come to know all. Hahahah…