I had a funny dream last night

about a group of women about my age but who pretty much don’t seem like my sort. They were talking behind me. I was sitting at the back of some sort of row or maybe at a long cafeteria-style long rectangular table and the women were behind me on chairs in a circle. I wasn’t paying much attention to them and then as a few started to leave one woman said her crazy dream was to become a children’s book writer and illustrator. (She may have only said illustrator, I can‘t remember.) Barely turning around I mumbled something like, me too but I’m not going to do it. Then she said the things people always say about how it’s not too late and I have to follow my dreams and all that type of stuff but I said it’s not because I think it’s too late--or maybe I didn’t even say it out loud. I didn’t want to try to explain the reasons that it’s not my dream anymore because people just keep throwing out platitudes, tired expressions that they always say and I know why I’m not pursuing that dream, I know I’m doing what I’m doing and I’m not going to think about it anymore because I don’t want to. And I don’t want to explain myself to total strangers either.

In another element of the dream, my oldest son was doing a school project but in the dream he went from being my oldest son to my mother’s son. Anyway, he was tearing down part of the front of the house shingles and woodwork around the window so he could affix this large piece of I-don’t-know-what to the house. It was a conglomeration of would and steel and I’m sure it had some mechanical purpose but I told him it was not okay to tear part of the house off--even if it is a school project. I left it at that. But then he called later and was yelling at me, telling me what I had to do or what he was going to do--in other words, without getting into detail, he was clearly threatening my wellbeing. This is when he turns into one of my mother’s sons, my brother in the dream because I go to my mother and tell her she has to handle it. I’m not going to take it. He calls again and does the same thing to her but I do not get involved. I know I will not accept this type of maltreatment. However, it makes me very sad, is very disturbing to me but I do not budge.

There’s another part of the dream where Mom’s granddaughter who she raised, I’ll call her Caren for this blog, takes out one of my old sun dresses. It’s a cheap one I bought years ago but I like it. Then Caren takes out three more and a fourth, five altogether. She is ironing the fifth dress, a pink-flowered dress of polyester. Finally after watching and wondering for a while why she has all my dresses, I tell her she can’t have all my dresses. She tries to say something about how they’re hers and have been for a long time. She is young in the dream so I challenge her because years ago she would have been far too small for them, she’s the one who is growing, and they all still fit me. I have been an adult for a long time and have long since stopped growing. The adolescent ignores me for the most part. I don’t know remember much else but that I let it go, I think I just let go of a few favorite old dresses but I think I must leave the scene too. In the dream I feel that feeling I often get these days in real life--tired of disrespectful people who think I am an endless vat of giving away anything anyone wants to take from me, understanding and familial friendliness.

Then my older sister, who is Caren’s mother in real life, tells me it’s her birthday today, the 12th (it was the 12th when I went to sleep). I know her birthday is either the 12th, 13th or 15th because in real life there are three people in my immediate family who have their birthdays on these days but when I was younger I was always confused about which family member is on which day. Older, I figured out a way to remember in real life. In the dream I am giving her birthday greetings but also want clarification, ask her which day her real birthday is on. She will not answer me because she thinks I will not celebrate her birthday with her if she tells me the truth. I assure her I will still celebrate but I just want to know so I can be sure for future reference. She refuses to confirm what I already think I know even though I assure her I will celebrate today. In my mind in the dream I remember the way I found to recall whose birthday was on which day: it went from the oldest to the youngest, backwards so the oldest is on the first day, which is the 12th, the next older family member is on the next birthday date, the 13th, and the youngest is on the 15th. Thus, even though she tries to limit my recollection it doesn’t matter to me that she does not believe my motive for wanting assurance. I know that her birthday is the next day but she wants two celebrations. In the dream, I celebrate that day and don’t worry about the next.

Then elsewhere, there’s a very fat blonde women who ends up pulling me onto her lap while she is sitting on the floor. I know she is a lesbian and I love her but I do not love her as a lover and am angry that she feels she can just pull me onto her lap. On the other hand, I’m glad that she is somehow my friend but I know I have to find a way to make it perfectly clear to her that I do not want to sit on her lap. She otherwise makes me happy in the dream but I do not want this type of physical contact. This is all I can remember right now about the dream but I surely see that this dream is about different levels of giving and refusing to give or concede in different types of relationships. I have learned to do this with great cost in real life and worry too that I may end up a very lonely woman but I am certainly not the Cinderella of my childhood--ever forgiving, ever tolerant, ever acquiescent, ever displaced from my other values like making my own decisions, not having to answer to everyone, removing myself from threatening situations, confronting someone but yet having the choice to sometimes let things go, sometimes giving others their way and sometimes not--as needed and according to my own sensibilities and new dreams.