Life Questions

I have found throughout my life that the road to what is typically considered vices, was the most difficult road I had taken and which I still laboriously travel.

It took me years and years to become human, indulgent.

It took me years to allow myself pleasure. I still am not there yet.

I easily conformed to the status quo of what is seen as morality.

(definition of morality in this context: the 'right' way women are supposed to live and be but which is not applied to men.)

I was effortlessly molded into forms for the pleasure of others.

It was easy to behave according to other peoples’ perception as to what was proper.

(Those ideals regarding what the collective expected of me were typically not very moral at all.)

It took me years to rebuke those judgments, on the road to vice; it has been a lifelong struggle to learn to be brave enough to act ‘immorally.’

My biggest Life Question is how to ignore idealisms constructed of implausible notions and alternative realities.

It is about consciously retaining what actually does or could exist or happen in real life.

My main Life Question at this time is how to sift through and retain reality as it is—as opposed to invented romanticized notions.

In facing illusions I must see what is sincere, realistic. In facing illusions I must admit what is true, what is genuine, authentic, existent and real.

I can get caught up in futility and don’t move forward because it is difficult to see clearly.

I have been dazed by what supposed realisms seemed to offer only to discover, after a long journey to get there, only to find nothing real.

I sometimes listen to idealism. I sometimes aspire to achieve perfection as an attainable goal.

I sometimes give too much credence to beliefs that material things are imaginary as if they’re only a construction of my mind.

I sometimes listen to the words people speak rather than what’s behind the words.

Sometimes my Life Question is as simple as accepting that there are views that appear to be one thing when, in fact, they’re another.

Completeness is nurtured though when I appreciate wherever I am and pardon myself while staying conscious of false impressions.

Wholeness is nurtured when I accept where I am and forgive myself and become aware of the fantasy—then proceed to consciously lift the veils to the experience of my reality.

Fullness is fostered when I accept where I am and forgive myself and remain conscious of illusion.

Seeing the reality behind illusion is what brings me to wholeness and completeness, which begins to lay the groundwork to explore other Life Questions.

This is for you Jahara!

Take your passion and make it happen (click here for youtube video).

"First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel, made of stone

Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart

[Chorus:]
What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

[Solo]

Now I hear the music, close my eyes, I am rhythm
In a flash it takes hold of my heart

[chorus (with ... "now I'm dancing through my life")]

What a feeling

What a feeling (I am music now), bein's believin' (I am rhythm now)
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life
What a feeling (I can really have it all)
What a feeling (Pictures come alive when I call)
I can have it all (I can really have it all)
Have it all (Pictures come alive when I call)
(call, call, call, call, what a feeling) I can have it all
(Bein's believin') bein's believin'
(Take your passion, make it happen) make it happen
(What a feeling) what a feeling... [to fade]"

(Note: Jahara, this movie came out when you were born. This is the song I was talking about Saturday. The break dance stuff at the end of the first part was pretty new for white women at that time. The story, if I remember correctly, is that she was desperately trying to be seen as a valid ballet dancer. She is auditioning in the first section video.)

lyrics

LOL! I just did a test I found on a blog

by Sum>Parts. And, this is my results as to what my Tarot card is:

You are Justice

Equity, rightness, probity, executive; triumph of the observing side in law.

Justice is about cold, objective balance through reason or natural force. You can't keep smoking and drinking without consequences to your health. It is the card that advises cutting out waste and insists that you make adjustments, do whatever is necessary to bring things back into balance, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually. It is a card of balance and harmony; if there is imbalance, the correction may
require recourse to the law.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Yes, I Really Am Getting Older Every Day

I just learned today that I am eligible for long-term care insurance through my domestic partner's program. This is one criterion that has been important to me to secure as I move toward my fifties.

It will be a big relief to know that for about $200 a year I can secure my health when or if I become unable to care for myself when I get older. I don't want my children to have to be burdened with worrying about taking care of me if I need help.

Jack and I saw a PBS documentary a while back about the devastation an elder parent can cause adult children. In some families it broke them and in others it broke marriages too.

Fortunately, I don’t have to care for my own mother at this time but not too long ago she was hospitalized for a short period of time and it immediately put a strain on family members, particularly my sisters and I and our daughters.

And that was just minor.

I feel fortunate to have discovered that one criteria may be resolved soon and it’s good that I do it now because the younger I am when I apply—the less expensive it is going to be. Also, I don’t have many medical issues right now so that makes eligibility easier.

My next steps are going to have to be getting a retirement plan in place. I know Social Security is going to go through some type of reform and I can’t depend on that. Plus, Jack’s parents’ Social Security is only enough to pay for their medication and pay for their Medigap policy, which they really need.

His mom has been sick for years. And his dad has had major surgeries in the past few years.

Today Jack gave me some information about what types of retirement programs may work for me as I almost finish with my bachelor’s degree and consider what type of work I am going to do.

To friends that used to visit awomansblog:

I am sorry about not posting in so long. I can’t get into the details right now about why I haven’t been posting but I think I will be able to get back up to speed where I used to be. I will be in touch with you soon, anna and jj, and hope you’re doing well.