Jack made yogi tea last night

and I had several cups. Mmmm!

But then I stayed up till 3 a.m. and still couldn't fall to sleep only to dream scenes of repetitive struggle once I finally passed through that illusory sphere of existence.

The good news though is that throughout each struggle, with all its attendant fear and trembling, I found a way to resolve each issue.

I think I will, to some extent, use this as my optimistic modus operandi for the day--in all hope.

Keeping Our Homes

I decided to post a link to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke’s comments to the House Financial Services Committee on suprime mortgage lending.

When my children were younger, we faced this crisis. I had submitted to my ex-husband's insistence on a house I knew we could not afford.

I take the responsibility for that choice, though I was young and stupid.

Luckily we were able to save our home but that is due to the economic savvy of my late mother-in-law.

Were it not for her, we could have been homeless.

I was fortunate to have such a smart mother in law and I and my children are fortunate for her loving helping hand.

There aren't many mother-in-laws like mine though so for those who need a helping hand, maybe there's something in here for people facing foreclosure during the current sub-prime mortgage crisis.

"...many homeowners who took out mortgages in recent years are in financial distress. To help those borrowers, the Federal Reserve, together with the other federal supervisory agencies, has issued two statements–in April, to mortgage lenders; and earlier this month, to mortgage servicers–to encourage the financial industry to work with borrowers to arrange prudent loan modifications to avoid unnecessary foreclosures. The Conference of State Bank Supervisors (CSBS) joined the federal agencies in the second statement. Often, loan workouts are in the interest of all parties. We have also encouraged lenders and servicers to identify and contact borrowers who, with counseling and possible loan modifications, may be able to avoid entering delinquency or foreclosure. The simple step of reaching out to borrowers before they get into trouble can be very productive. In addition, a member of the Federal Reserve Board serves as a director of NeighborWorks America, which encourages borrowers facing payment difficulties to seek help by contacting their lenders, services, or trusted counselors. Recently, NeighborWorks America launched a nationwide advertising campaign to increase awareness of available support from their 24-hour hotline, and they are now responding to 2,000 calls a day, almost double the number in June.

Additionally, the Federal Reserve is working closely with community and industry groups around the country to reduce homeowners’ risks of foreclosure. The community affairs offices in each of the Reserve Banks provide significant leadership and technical assistance. For instance, a public-private collaboration initiated by the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago with Neighborhood Housing Services of Chicago and the City of Chicago produced the Home Ownership Preservation Initiative (HOPI), which began in 2003. In the ensuing three years, the HOPI program counseled more than 4,000 people, prevented 1,300 foreclosures, and reclaimed 300 buildings.2 HOPI has also been a model for foreclosure prevention programs now operating around the country, including in Baltimore and Atlanta and in Ohio. As another example, the community affairs office of the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco recently convened a series of workshops to develop community-based solutions to mortgage delinquencies in six cities. More than 700 lenders, housing counselors, community group representatives, and government officials attended.

Dedicated to Lakshmi, the Goddess of Abundance

I’m a stock trader newbie and you can tell by my perpetual fear. Then again I’ve heard that stock traders are always scared and run by their emotions. Maybe, in that I have a real proclivity for stressful living—not necessarily by my own choice—maybe this new career is the one that I never really consciously knew I needed.

I’ve been reading and reading and reading and I’m getting a handle on some of it except for the money making part. I haven’t lost money yet but I haven’t earned it yet either, even though these four months should potentially have earned me something but I know I’m learning a trade that I really want to know at this age.

I’ve been reading about how other stock traders do it but they also have a lot more money than me. I’d like to be able to earn 20% on my investments and I think I now know how to do it but that I’m chicken shit.

For example, today my stocks went up $400-plus dollars and if I just sold them all now and then start over doing the same thing tomorrow, even if I make $400 a week, that’s good enough for me and it will be a 50% return on my money in one year. That’s not too bad in my book. However, I will probably sit here unsure for a little longer.

♥

Well, I just sold two and made $119 for the day. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing but I know I want to keep my money and I want to earn more. I don’t want to lose and I know the market is going down.

♥

Ok, so it is a few hours later now and I went for just under half of it and made $175. Hey! I know that’s not a ton but damn, I’m in this to make some money, not just for my health and in the past four months I’ve seen my profits go up and then wait for some illusory reason for them to diminish again. I just want to make some money here and for today $175 is a good start in my book.

I know tomorrow I will be compelled to read more about new stocks because I love to spend my days reading. I will check out company’s revenues and earnings, which is the type of things I’ve been reading about for four months. I haven’t lost a dime yet and I just took my first real earnings and without explanation right now, I’m going to dedicate this post to Lakshmi, the goddess of abundance.

Thoughts on Letting Things Die

I’m scared of the changes I need to make. I know that I need to make changes though but which changes are the right ones? How do we know what is best for us? Well, from 48 years of living I know how to make mistakes and I know too I’ve made some good and life-enhancing choices.

Choices are such a problem and a blessing. In the immediate, I’m trying to discern how much I should invest in a new career and how much of my old career, or should I say miserable economic status, I should let go.

I know I’m sick of not enjoying enough the power that money gives us. I really do want more of that power. Not only do I want it, but life has been teaching me how much I need it. I was raised to value living simply; never loving money more than our creative resources in the arts and spiritual values.

But I really am weary of the way the arts have held me down. I’m tired of the way my commitment to the arts and creative love have kept my hands tied in oh so many ways. I just don’t think I can stand it anymore. I can’t afford to live by those ideals anymore. They’re going to be the death of me. Yet, this latest observation creates another death, loss of a lifetime of hope and joy.

It reminds me of when I left the church. We have to give up what we’ve held on to for so long. We have to surrender our worn-out beliefs that are not realistic anymore, though we love them so. It’s a sad thing to have to do and it’s sad to be forced to adjust again what we’ve lived by our whole life.

I know I don’t have to give it up completely but I really think I need to rethink the time and energy I devote to my artistic endeavors. It’s draining me and though I taught my children to “keep the faith,” so to speak, I feel saddened to see that I may have been wrong—at least to some extent. (It may just need a little bit of an adjustment or it may need an overhaul. I don’t know the answer yet to that either.)

But more than having been wrong, which may or may not be exactly true, I feel a great sadness whenever I observe the old possibilities dying or whenever I think that I should have just held on a little bit longer, a little bit harder, had a little bit more faith…. (I don’t even know yet how to explain the feeling of grief it engenders.)

But alas, I don’t think I can hold out any longer.