Speed Dialing Mom

Revised 2:52 p.m.

As I said to JJ, I often want to write about my new focus but somehow feel like it doesn’t fit in “a woman’s blog” but now that I’m typing this, I realize that’s just silly. She kindly reminded me that blogs are like journals so I guess I am going to have to just accept that.

And, although I have a Nin quote in my sidebar that suggests I will not blog for solace, I guess I will have to continue to do just that--through all the newness that is happening in my life; please bear with me as I continue to wade in new waters(Mom would approve):

I’m juggling two different types of experiences/life changes/career changes/new values and new needs in my life (or is that three or four… whatever…I can’t keep count…) but I am most driven by some unseen force to concentrate more on one. But this one scares the bejebus out of me.

I have not opened my platform to do any type of trades because I don’t want to face what I may find. Worse, I didn’t open it yesterday either but yesterday I told myself I was taking a day off while the market was in a slight decline. So, I'm scared to see what happened.

And according to Wall Street Journal, hopes for economic strength and more Fed rate cuts are causing a flat market today. I have stop losses on the trades that I have not sold off so I know that if it dips again, I would only lose six percent of my investment. But I am scared to see what happened yesterday.

I remember, as I write this out, a former pastor who admonished me to stare the lion in the face. But if I look at my stocks first, I will not post a blog because I will be sucked into the tides of trepidation and wavering that takes hold for days on end.

The fear feels more familiar to my nature though than the languor I experienced only a year ago and after my children grew. I use to have a pretty scary life. Sometimes I wonder if it could simply be another effect of perimenopause but it seems more true that it is because I am related to my mother.

Mom can never sit still. She was always like that and it had nothing to do with estrogen; it is her nature. It sometimes drove me crazy when I was younger but mostly I admired her energy. She is 76 but no one would ever believe it…which reminds me...I need to call Mom before doing stocks or I’ll put that off for three more days.

*:::speed dials Mom:::*

[looking back: ok, that did not come out the way i first wrote it and it's all screwed up with too much editing but you know what, i can't deal with this right now, I've got to get back to work; how do you write about things when you feel like you know nothing anymore?]