unedited sixth-grade-level drivel

Or maybe yesterday, writing out my frustration is what made the day work. I know that what I am experiencing can not be about what others in my life do.

There are good people in my life now. Something is up with me. Perhaps if I go ahead and write like I use to, fearlessly, even though it’s on the fear-filled World Wide Web, I will be able to somehow begin to make sense of my never-ending self-hatred.

What am I angry about right now? (These days, I’m almost always angry about something.) I am at this time angry that all the work I did Friday is lost, kaput, gone. Argh!

My computer kept crashing Friday and again this morning, as I open up my trading platform in addition to the women’s forum I usually read, it’s all crashing again.

I guess I need to take some of my money and buy myself another computer, a laptop, so that when this piece of shit crashes I will have something else.

I know this computer isn’t a piece of shit. Shit always happens with computers. I will not discuss it with my partner either because these days I think it is best that I talk to the world instead of him. However, I’m not even going to say why.

(I feel angry at him but I refuse anymore to try to figure that one out. What good will it do? I have no way to change it and I’m sick of it always being about other people.)

I need to stay focused on what I can do and what I can change and the things I can make happen. I will somehow drag myself out of this perimenopausal funk that wants to frustrate me daily.

I will pull this self-hatred out of me if it kills me.

If it takes free writing like a maniac then that’s what I’ll do. Otherwise, I’ll just quit writing altogether. So, don’t be surprised if I post unedited sixth-grade-level drivel 10 times a day and/or you never hear from me again.

(The world cries at the thought of losing my amazing blog conversations with myself.)

*laughs at self*